August 9, 1869 The Brass Monkey
August 9, 1869
Whilst in the service of Her Majesty's 42ND Airship Battalion, Chemical Infantry, my battle buddy and best mate 1LT Trevor James were on leave from assignment in the Gulfport peninsula of the southern regions.
We had just come out of the field training the Raja's Royal Air Guard in the defense of airborne pathogen chemical warfare. Nasty bit of business, flesh eating viruses, noxious gases that turn you into cannibalistic undead, nasty.
He and I had been told of a local hacienda where one could relax from the depression, insomnia, anxiety and migraines, among other maladies common among the troops. It was said to have quite a bit of high spirited nonsense, Trevor and I were not known for haunting the sorts of places of shenanigans, but we thought we would give it a go. We wore our dress reds as to look very dabber, because everyone knows… every girl's crazy for a sharp dressed man. We arrived at the location of the hacienda, The Brass Monkey it read. We entered and almost immediately Trevor had abandoned me to pursue his own devices, he needed no wingman, as he has always been at the front of any challenge.
I sat at the bench alone, not much of a strong drinker so I asked for a carbonated Dr Von Pepper, and nursed it pretending to be enjoying myself. It was at that precise moment when I happened to catch the slight gaze of a fetching female, sitting at a table to my direct left. Once I had discovered she had been eye balling me I couldn't avoid not bringing attention to myself. The wool dress uniform caused profuse sweating on its own, let alone being the target of the opposite sex's interest.
I couldn't help staring in turn in her direction, I made feeble attempts to seem like I was admiring the superb Edwardian wood work when I locked eyes with her. She appeared to be like a vision. out of my deep imagination. She had spell binding eyes, hypnotic skin , pale white as the morning dove. Lips red and wet, like a freshly sliced ripened melon. And speaking of melons, her corset show cased her ample bosom like the desert trolley. Red hair, a ginger! Father warned me of the intoxication of gingers, but he was not here. Before I came to realize it she had walked from her table to the stool parallel with me. (OMG she's sitting next to me! … It's cool, be cool. You must be bold, daring… the sheilas love daring). "Are you staring at me Sir?" (She spoke! Dash it all man say something back! Daring, think daring) Was I staring? Forgive me Ma'am, it is not in my nature to be rude or uncouth… ( Uncouth, damn I'm smooth). I have had trivial things on my mind and happened to be looking in your direction. "Hmmm fancy uniform, pretty ribbons, are you a sailor?" Actually I am a Soldier for Her Majesty's 42ND Airship Battalion, Chemical Infantry. "Oh my, are you a Special Services Royal Marine?" (She said that very excitedly… be cool, whatever you do, don't lie). Of course! Yes, indeed … highly dangerous work actually, well with all the imminence of death all around you, but it is the killing business and business is good. "Uh huh, you have been to war? Combat?" (You damned lair Edward, she's going to know your full of chicken feathers).
Indeed Ma'am! Ferocious combat, in fact I need no highly team powered. These hands are trained in the deadly art of Krav Maga! 18 fingers of death, shoalin death viper monkey style. (Maybe that was too much… its too late! go with it). "My goodness, that is both frightening.. and exhilarating". (She is fanning her chest, and batting her eyes…STOP looking at her chest! Focus on the eyes, the eyes!) Why yes, indeed frightening to say the least… so what might your name be Miss? "Victoria, Madame Victoria Stasynskia". Pleasure to make your acquaintance, oh… that's quite the grip you have their Madame, what pray tell is your profession? "Entertainment, quite actually". You don't say… are you a musician? That must account for the firm, lovely fingers.
It was at that moment, Trevor James had come to ruin things for me, he will not prevail against me, she is smitten with me old bean… deep smite. "excuse me Madame, Edward a word if you please". No thank, I need none of your words, carry on. "I'm afraid it's quite urgent". Get lost my friend, or you shall rue the day, (smile remember to smile) now where were we? "No I must insist, its news from the front, tip of the top". Oh. well why didn't you bloody say so, pardon me Madame Victoria I shall be but a moment, afraid the killing business is calling me to action… routine actually.
What in bloody hell do you want? Can you not see that I am with the enchanting creature? "Edward she's a man". I'm sorry… what was that? "That …enchanted creature… is a man". Why you conniving prat, it tears you up to see that I have finally won the attention of a lady, a highly attractive lady I might add… "Edward, note the broad shoulders, protruding Adam's apple…she's a man. What about her lovely legs? "Shaven close". Her sultry voice? "Manipulated". Her… her jubblies? "Fake…All fake". I leaned in close then and said PROVE IT. "Alright then I shall, for you old chum, I have your back and your best interest at heart" He approached whom I was certain was the woman I was to marry, whom I had thought was a goddess, spoke into her ear while simultaneously pinched her crotch. A deep throated gasp of horror came of that mouth, a ghostly masculine sound, from that once angelic woman… she was indeed a man. The She Man threw his bottle at Trevor and turned about in anger and embarrassment. (OMG OMG you idiot! ARGH the thoughts I had had for that… that ARGH) Sweet mother of Mary, Michael, and Joseph… I can't believe you just did that. Please do not tell the other chaps of what has just transpired. "Fear not Edward, your shameful secret is safe with me" Why dear Lord, do these things happen to me.
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