The Hissing Monk

So many of you know that I lived in Israel for a year. Well, while I was living in Jerusalem, my flat building was about a ten minute walk away from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre (Jesus' gravesite). Now I was on a jewish gap year with a reform movement but this spot always interested me because although I have many christian friends, i had never experienced anything like THIS place before.

So my first free night in Jerusalem, I was with a few of the other girls in my group and they decided to show me the old market place which is in the Arab quarter of the old city. So we went, through the Jaffa gate and because of the conflict over there right now, I kept thinking to myself, "aren't there places where we aren't supposed to be?" but we kept walking until we turned a corner and ended up at this place with a HELL tun of tourists coming out of this building and the spanish girl, Michelle told us that it was where Jesus' grave was.

Again, I am jewish but seriously, I thought this was pretty damn cool. Cause like… JESUS! so we went in and everything's cool. I'm so excited and feeling really good cause i'm standing next to Jesus' grave and everything's all dandy when i realize that the other girl's aren't with me.

So I walk around the sepulcher and when i got to the back, i discovered this little cove with a picture of said dude and a bunch of candles along with a monk that looks like he's out of a goddamn Da Vinci painting. I mean serious medieval stuff going on.

He also kind of resembled Rasputin. That's not a joke. It was weird. So I sort of give him a wave and see what he's hiding in there with but when I popped my head in. he stood up and began walking towards me with spirit fingers like, "sssssssssss" "hssssssssss" 'hssssssssss" and I'm waling away from him just thinking,

"THIS IS SO COOL!"

the orthodox christian woman behind me is making the sign of the cross with this horrified look on her face as if I cursed the entire place with my presence and lack of underwear which, I will openly admit on the internet, I was in fact, not wearing any at the time and that's actually another great story but anyways,

So when we got back, I got a strike because the program director found out that we had been there because I was excited and forgot we weren't allowed in the arab quarter and I told him the entire story.

A MONTH LATER~~

The pope was in town and I got excited so at about 8 o'clock I went back into the Arab quarter to hunt down the pope. (not exactly an everyday concept) and so I followed the sound of choral chanting to a tiny church like, right past the Jaffa Gate (which we are forbidden to enter) so I'm there with a security guard who is explaining to me that he's in a VERY private mass. I mean, no one from the public was actually around so then the security guard is all like,

"Hey, so, you live around here?" And as we're talking there's like a giant ding of a bell and all of these security guards are rushing out, the one I was just speaking french with and lying to him, saying I was from Paris (because I felt like it) is sort of putting his arms out and telling me to back up and then

THERE HE WAS

In short, I waved to the pope while no one was around and the pope smiled at me and we were bros for about 2 1/2 seconds.

So then, it's 8:30 and just because of that whole interfaith experience, I decided to go to the church of the holy sepulcher. So I went. and the same monk who had hissed at me a month ago was sitting there sleeping outside his post at the back of the grave. So like, he looks like a goddamn statue and I walk up to him and sort of creepily look at him for a second, wondering if he in fact, doesn't have a bed and sleeps next to Jesus' empty grave. and then all of a sudden.

As though I were in some cult horror movie, his eyes just sort of snapped open and he's just staring at me like…."the fuck?"

So we stare at each other for a moment before he stands up and motions for me to follow. So, because of curiosity and for the sake of interfaith friendship, I followed this guy and he opened the sepulcher like, "dude, check this out…..THERE'S NO ONE THERE" except he said all of that silently because he just doesn't talk…he's just silent forever. so I make the sign of the cross cause I feel like i'm undercover in someone else's sacred territory and then he pointed to the door and was like, "GTFO"

So I left, thinking we were friends now. until ONE DAY.

I went back to the church on a scavenger hunt that my friends Ben and Michael (Marlow in my blog) had sent me on while the rest of the group was in Hebron because it's palestintian territory and although my program fought for me to attend, the american branch of the movement was like, "sorry bro." So they planned a nice day for me. I was sent back there to take picture of myself with really really unimportant things and funny pictures but I ended up seeing my monkie friend again. and so this time, assuming we were cool, I walked inside his cove...

AND HE HISSED AT ME AGAIN!!!

And I hadn't seen the lying bastard until about a month after I come back to the states when my father and I ended up watching a documentary on the history of Jerusalem and when it got to the Chruch of the Holy Sepulchre…… there was a screenshot of a monk praying….and then….

THERE HE WAS

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