After a while, when you’ve been staying alive on a pirate airship and you are the second most authorized member on board, you tend to get a little cocky. It happens to most piratic leaders whether they display their cockiness or not. It’s a phase that slams the door when it leaves but at least it goes away…usually. I mean, clearly, Captain Sarling never snapped out of it but it’s whatever. I went through this phase after a year of staying alive and in the air, battle after battle. It…

         Captain Edward Von Arkham once walked in with this parrot on his shoulder and a giant frown on his face. The World’s End was congested with laughter and its usual surrealism as he sat down at the bar and requested that I surprise him. He already knew what I do for surprises though, a shot of hell: a shot of vodka with a generous amount of tobasco sauce. As I slid the shot glass onto the bar in front of him, everyone began to ask him about the parrot.

      “Her name is…

         Eucalyptus leaves are awesome. Dude, seriously though. I wonder, how did koalas even get teeth? What ARE teeth? If we didn’t have teeth, what would we eat? But yeah, I mean, I dig apples, bananas, pears, fairies, stuff, but I love my eucalyptus. They just make me feel better about the universe, you know? The universe is weird…when do we eat? I mean I’m looking at the stars at night,  and I think, “Why are some ants bigger than other ants? I mean, some koalas are bigger than other…

Dear Captain Charlotte Bennet,

                I am rather excited to meet with you for negotiations. I apologize deeply for my advisor’s behavior and am very eager to meet your quartermaster, Mercurian Maxwell.  However, it appears that we will be rather late for our appointment. The coordinates are farther away than we suspected at this time of year due to a last minute purchase from Captain Sarling of the P.A.S Cameroon.  I’m afraid that I will no longer be doing business with him…

        I went to Leander’s grave today. Being the only grave in the yard with an actual gravestone, it’s not hard to find at all.  It’s a weird stone. Leander and Aurelian don’t have a last name so it’s just his first name engraved on it with his birthday and death day. Underneath the dates, it says beloved brother and friend. I would have engraved something different though.

                                              …

            I’ve been collecting eye patches since my second week aboard the Widow. The Monday of my second week on board, we ran into some trouble in which a bullet whizzed only a hair away from my head, right next to my left ear. Instead of thinking about my ear, I immediately thought of something. I wondered if I would lose my eye being a pirate like in all of the stories. The stereotype is definitely true by the way. I’ve seen so many one eyed pirates, that if you asked me how many, I…

      When we were thirteen and merely friends, Leander and I were sitting on the roof of the Ten Bells and looking down on the violent street when I asked, 

      “So what’s the deal with your parents?”  I can still remember how Leander, with a mischievous look in his eyes let a slow smile lift the corners of his mouth.

       “I ate them alive,” He told me.

       “Leander, I’m serious,” I responded in a laugh, “You never mention them. All I know is that they’re never…

                Besides Leander, my best friend in White Chapel was a woman who went by the name of Mary Jane Kelly (Although she liked to go by Marie Jeanette). She had a husband named John Porter who many thought was related to me but that’s not the case. Although Mary’s knot was tied, she still had the most common profession in the area; prostitution. She was known for three things; her absolutely beautiful face and body, her sweet personality, and her “circle technique” blow jobs also…

        We had to do some business with another crew known as the restless bitches. They’re a violent bunch of women but our captain is never unsatisfied when trading with them.  What I just realized last week was that almost all of them were wearing heels. I have a question for the restless bitches,

                                                       WHY?

        I understand that maybe you’re very fashion forward, but why on earth would you wear heels during work? Have you…

            From my mother, inherited an inability to take any crap. That’s a fact. My mother didn’t put up with tom foolery in her classroom or out of her class room.  I like to think that that’s why my father married her. I will never forget the day we arrived in London. My mother and I were crossing the street and a carriage came bumping in, almost running over both of us. As the carriage came to an abrupt stop, the driver began yelling at her to move her ass.  But Mrs. Porter does not…

            Not many people feel the need to question their friendships. I’ve never had to anyway. But when you think about it, besides my captain, I see Dominique as my best friend on board. The two of us seem to love starting trouble, manipulating the other half of the species, and of course, kicking the living crap out of the amateur bounty hunters with no manners.  We share inside jokes and partner up for missions. Sometimes when she’s cooking, I’ll sit in the galley and we’ll have…